My Passion for Opening Up the Learning Between Us
I’ve spent the last quarter-century of my professional life trying to create better and more equitable learning opportunities – whether in companies, school systems, or nonprofits. Over the past few years, I’ve been drawn to a special kind of learning opportunity: the learning that happens between people. In fact, I got so fascinated by this subject that I wrote a book about it. Ask: Tap Into the Hidden Wisdom of People Around You For Unexpected Breakthroughs in Leadership and Life will be published by Hachette on May 7, 2024 and is available for pre-order now.
I want to share with you why I’ve become so obsessed with this type of learning.
Over time, I’ve come to realize that the insights we most need to discover are often right under our noses – they live in the heads and hearts of the people around us: our friends, co-workers, bosses, clients, family members. Even a “stranger” such as our taxi driver knows something important and fascinating that we don’t. Finding out what they truly know, think, and feel about something can be nothing short of miraculous. It helps us make smarter decisions, find more creative solutions to problems, stretch our minds, and build closer relationships. Powerful breakthroughs open up once we tap into the wisdom and wealth of experience of those around us.
The problem is, there’s no guarantee they’ll actually tell us what they really know, think and feel. In fact, as I’ve discovered, it’s more likely that we won’t find out what we most need to know, or that we’ll only find out when it’s too late.
This kind of thing happens for two reasons. First, the people around us too often don’t tell us what they really think or feel or know. And second, we don’t ask them – or hear them – in the right ways. Put these two reasons together, and it’s a recipe for remaining unaware of the very information we most need….and for staying more distant than we want or need to in our relationships.
Some say ignorance is bliss, but I can tell you from painful experiences big and small that we pay a price when we stay in the dark about what’s really on others’ hearts and minds. Like when my colleague Charlotte knew that our plan wasn’t going to work as intended, but didn’t feel free to speak up until after it was about to go off the rails. Or when Frank decided not to invest in my organization based on mistaken assumptions he was holding but never voiced. Or even when one of my kids is struggling with something but doesn’t let me in on how I can help.
These may seem like isolated examples, but I can tell you that this kind of withholding happens every day, in small and big ways all around us. And the worst thing: because we don’t know what we don’t find out, we usually don’t have a clue when we’re paying these costs.
On the flip side, I’ve found over and over again that when we do find out what others around us know, think, and feel, it’s pretty awesome. Every single person has something to teach us, and when we let them do this, we not only discover a treasure trove of useful insights, but we connect with them on a whole different level.
Like when my Uber driver Raphael – who was very vocally on the opposite side from me of a divisive political issue – shared with me the life experiences that led him to beliefs that had previously seemed incomprehensible to me . While he didn’t “convert” me, I left our conversation with a deeper and more nuanced understanding of where people on his “side” are coming from – and I felt a lot closer to him and a lot less judgmental of people who believe what he does.
That magical combination – of discovery plus connection – benefits everyone involved. In addition to what we learn, the other person feels heard and seen, and they get the chance to shape our thinking. This opens up a two-way channel of sharing, learning, and connecting which can last forever.
This may sound simple, and I wish it were. But life today is so fast-paced, and society is so divided that what I’m talking about is rarer than you’d think. In fact, the places we spend most of our time – whether schools, universities, workplaces, or social media – train us to do just the opposite: to win by digging our heels in and convincing others of our own views. We’re more likely to ask truly curious questions when we do a Google search (or now, a ChatGPT prompt) than we are in real life with real people. (No wonder the US Surgeon General just put out a report about the epidemic of loneliness.)
Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be this way. We actually can take the steps needed to really learn from each other. Anyone can. I’ve personally had the great fortune of apprenticing to and working alongside some of the world’s best thinkers and doers on this topic. The tools they’ve given me formed a powerful foundation for my own leadership and life. After putting their ideas to the test in my own work for a couple decades – while tweaking and adding to them along the way – I’ve decided that I want to share about this more openly, so others can hopefully benefit in some of the same ways I have.
I’m going to try doing this in a couple ways. One is that I’m consolidating the most important practices I’ve learned into a learnable, 5-step methodology called the Ask Approach, which is the subject of my upcoming book. I’m also going to try creating some posts and articles – like this recent one in HBR – podcasts, and videos that explore this topic from different angles, in an effort to continually develop and deepen my own thinking, and to invite others to share their insights and experiences. I’m going to come at this from a bunch of dimensions – from exploring the role of AI in question-asking, to reflecting on lessons from Transcend (the organization I co-lead), to some from my favorite TV shows (Ted Lasso, The Bear, anyone?), and more.
As an introvert, this act of thinking out loud by openly sharing what I’m processing is new to me. It’s a little uncomfortable, and if I’m honest, kind of intimidating. But I’m doing it because I believe this kind of learning is too important – and too undervalued – to stay quiet about. I’m also aware that I myself still have a lot to do to grow my own capacities at learning from others. As an imperfect human, and with all the blind spots that come along with my unique life experience and identity and privilege, I have a lot to learn. So I also hope this act of sharing – and the dialogue it might spark –will help me to learn and grow in ways that I can’t even predict from where I sit right now.
If nothing else, it should be a fascinating exploration. If you’re intrigued, I’d love to be on the journey together with you. In articles on this website (www.AskApproach.com) and elsewhere, we’ll explore questions such as:
What are the most common things that others think and feel but don’t share?
Why don’t people let us in on what they’re holding back?
How does this issue show up in various kinds of work and life situations?
What can we do to better learn from those around us?
What new possibilities emerge in our relationships, organizations, and communities when we regularly engage in interpersonal learning?
How can technologies – like social media or AI – help or hurt in this effort?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and reactions. Let’s learn together!